The Lie of Survival

There's a poem I remember from when I was little that says: "In the mirror I can see lots of things, but mostly me." Every once in a while it repeats in my head and I wonder why it's stuck with me so firmly.

Over the last few days I've been conflicted about a situation in my environment. One of my friends has continually lied, given false, misleading or exaggerated information and used manipulation to get what she feels she needs. As usual, when someone else is behaving like that, it's as transparent to everyone as if it was a child trying to deny eating the brownies with the evidence all over her face.

I care for this woman and her family and after months of cycling through feeling used, angry at being deceived (again) knowing I will never get the 'real' story and honestly not knowing what to do or how to help, pieces of a bigger picture are finally emerging.

I recognize this behavior as if it was my own because I have behaved this way before in my life. The internalization of 'the truth is always better' was a long, slow, painful road for me - one I'm still learning from and choosing to live every day. In an attempt to save the friendship, I kept questioning, 'why does she do it?' This is a lovely, sensitive woman who is full of faith and feels God is her only source of trust and comfort. So why? The answer was obvious - she feels it's necessary to survive.

I remember that desperation. That complete lack of faith in people, the world and my own ability to take care of myself. When I put my own survival first, when I felt I was on the brink of destruction with no security, I acted like she did. I never offered anything to anyone without an eye toward possible future gain for myself. I could never see people as 'people'; they were only a way for me to get through the next day, the next week, the next month - what could they give me? My whole life was a desperate plea to get my needs met somehow without taking on that responsibility for myself. And I lied to myself about it all so I wouldn't have to see that chocolate on my cheeks.

That is the lie of survival. The lie my ego got away with for so long... the lie that can make beautiful, sensitive people full of light and compassion become frightened, addicted liars and manipulators. The truth is, we are not here to 'survive'. Our survival is not in question. Ever. It's not the point, it's not even a baseline to live from. We are here to shine no matter what. No matter the circumstances. I've looked at my empty cupboards, stack of bills and broken car and been terrified about how it's all going to work. I've spent months and years focusing on the seemingly insurmountable challenges and done many things to get to the next place I could take a breath. And the situation remained the same.

Somehow, by some grace, I've chosen to move my heart from survival to telling, living, breathing, being the truth, my truth, no matter what, and guess what? I'm still here. My eyes are now on my family, friends and neighbors as I offer what comes from my heart - pretty or ugly - and believe me, it's all there. It's all I can do - all anyone can do, maybe. Be authentic, say what's true in any moment, trust like your survival is guaranteed (because it is), and see what happens next.

I'm hoping I can be a better friend now, having looked in the mirror of her, finding myself, and choosing to love both of us better.