Becoming...

My friend is suffering. Her sharing reminded me that self-acceptance is not something you do once and it's permanent, never to be thought of again. It's a daily choice to be cherished close to the warmth of the heart so it stays conscious and alive. I can only offer words from my heart and prayers for her comfort.

When I think of love, it's always moving, like wind or water or fire; alive and breathing. I like to accomplish things and it makes me brittle and hard. I break easily under the pressure of finishing tasks. I forget all the time that the key is remaining fluid, moving, alive... Some things don't get done at all, or they get done much later than I thought. If I can just allow that I am not a failure because of that, my process remains in motion and I bloom instead of freeze and break off into fragmented pieces of jobs half-done and harsh judgements that leave me scattered.

I can't become aware of my responsibilities until I let go of the judgements I weight myself with. My ego is constantly telling me how brilliant I am while simultaneously berating me for every tiny, less-than-perfect moment. All it wants is for me to become completely distracted with these exaggerated praises and punishments so I will forget to live from my heart; forget I am soft and human.

In Mark Nepo's book, "Facing the Lion, Being the Lion", he talks about how in the Torah, when God is asked for his name, the reply is, "I am Becoming...." When I read this, it brought me to tears. Part of me, the part that wants to FINISH things (and do it perfectly) - the part that, when closely examined leads toward death, was furious and frustrated that it was being asked to live with the fluid motion of life in a never-ending process of becoming. My heart, however, recognizes these words as an alive, joyful truth that allows me to share in the becoming of everything! That is a wide-open experience including all that is happy and sad, painful, joyful, 'mistakes', triumphs - and friendship within it all. I am honored to have such wonderful friends who are willing to share their times of turmoil and joy with me. Love & Peace.

Harmony

The last couple of mornings I've woken up feeling good. This is the time I usually let up on myself and coast for awhile. Since I'm determined to expand into new places, it's time to do something different; stay awake, push into territory beyond my comfort zone.

The old familiar pattern is feel good, let things slide until there's a pile-up or 'situation' to deal with, keep sliding until I'm in a hole again... numb because I forgot things are constantly changing and alive and growing, but I decided to hold on to feeling good instead of letting daily life impact me. It seems like so much WORK to stay fluid. Mind, mind, mind talking...

So I took a few deep breaths with my eyes closed, then opened them with the intention of being truly present to this moment now. There's this sort of stillness that happens when I pay attention. I can feel the vibration of the body within my body. It's an actual physical sensation, like a low-grade electrical contact that doesn't hurt, just awakens me. Now there are choices instead of a pile-up, and I can still feel. If I can just be still enough and listen so gently, like a humble invitation, my heart tunes itself to the pulse that connects everything. The quiet joy of singing my part in harmony is by far better than the spotlight-solo my ego tries to deafen me (and you) with. Wishing you peace and harmony this day.

Let's try that one again...

Today 'the painters' are coming to power-wash the building before painting the trim and I'm going to have to go out there and protect the little bird nest under the eaves by my window. They come back every year and I love the sound of those baby chirps. So do my cats - this is free entertainment at its best. Eventually the birds realize there's glass in between them and the awful monsters who obviously want to eat them. They hover in front of the window up and down a few inches, up and down - it's so sassy! - until one of my poor predator kitties, helpless to it's primal instincts, lunges and hits the window, falls off the sill and hits the floor, hopefully not knocking anything over on the way down. Again. And again. My son and I laugh at this elaborate ritual, amazed that the cats will do it over and over - including the whole preamble of stalking and silent movement toward something that is taunting them! You'd think they'd figure it out.

It's all too familiar though. A perfect demonstration of the way I tend to learn things myself. Sigh. I just finished a painting, actually hung it and took a photo, then wanted to just do 'one more thing' to make the glass more stable in the frame. Uh-huh. This is one of those things you'd think I'd have learned by now - how and when to STOP. No. Nope. Uh-uh. After oh-so-carefully adding some special glue into the crack and letting it dry... some of it seeped to the inside (I know this! I've done this before!!!) and now I must come up with a creative way to add half an inch of something to the outside of the frame to cover this up. I've got some great ideas that will add to the painting and it really needed a wider framed area, but GOSH... It was FINISHED!!! big sigh...

Maybe next time.

Knowing My Heart

When I was little, I felt so lost and confused. I loved to draw and color and one time, when I went to stay with my aunt and uncle, they praised me for what a good artist I was. I cherish that memory and know in that moment I recognized something in myself of value. Expression through visual art was effortless, fun, absorbing, wonderful. And I got approval for it.

Art has never left me and has sometimes saved me. It took a long time for me to know maybe it was something I should or could choose to share and make my life with. My heart is in it.

The two driving forces in my mind have been money and approval. The need to have enough money to survive and do something I will get approval for along with a predetermined attitude of defeat and failure on both counts, left me in a stagnant pond of settling for crumbs and thinking it's all I deserve. Not only that, a little approval was all it took to get me to stop moving forward. Like an addict, I would go from approval fix to approval fix feeling like a guilty failure the whole time. Knowing something was 'wrong' and having no idea how to feel clean and whole.

Slowly I've gotten to know and like myself! I've had and continue to have amazing help along the way (for the opportunity of a life-changing experience, check out soltura.net). I've learned living my heart out loud is the path for me. And now I'm finally pushing beyond the boundaries of my stagnant little pond to risk my heart, my art, myself - not for money, not for your approval and the temporary feeling of satisfaction it provides... simply to live and share my life with you, share the best of me with whatever part of the world I can touch. Yikes!

Shadow Clone

This morning while I was chanting, I got an image of myself behind myself - pushing the front one forward, holding it up like a puppet or clone. It struck me like a vivid dream that leaves a deep though ambiguous impression, and lingers...

I thought that shadow clone was protecting me - that my true self was the one behind, becoming strong while that puppet in front suffered the damage. When I turned to look in the mirror, I saw that the puppet being sacrificed is me.

I made a vow last year around this time that continues to change my life. Because of it I am able to share my heart for better or worse, without apology. Every day I feel gratitude for this life, even though that old saying, "Be careful what you wish for, you might get it" holds true in a sense. To desire and pray for peace, love, acceptance, unity... that is easy and 'noble'. When the realization comes that I must become peace, love, acceptance and unity, the path becomes much more personal and challenging. There's no turning back here. Every time I embrace all of myself in that mirror instead of being split and sacrificed, I am living in the fulfillment of my desire. In those moments, I can look into your eyes and truly see my brother, my sister, my father and mother, my child, my friend, my self.

Loosening My Grip

My mind likes to play tricks on me. Sometimes I buy in, but lately I've chosen to grit my teeth and step forward whether I like it or not. And the reward is?..... Integration; another piece of me gets to enjoy the light.

To choose over mind feels so dangerous and is, in fact, simple. To get in the car and go somewhere new feels hard and is, in fact, simple. To look into the eyes of yet another someone new and say the truth while allowing the emotions to connect and be expressed feels impossible and happened to me today. I chose to step back from the complications of my duplicitous mind and speak from my heart. I chose to believe in the truth of me without second-guessing or expecting the worst outcome; to share what's real without thoughts of what I will win or lose or endanger.

I drove home feeling calm and quiet, experiencing love for myself and knowing that my heart has grown so large and free that those boundaries my mind was so furiously convincing me not to step over became first obscured and then invisible. Every time this cycle repeats and I choose to step through those clamoring fears into the unknown, my heart burns more brightly and freely. The more I loosen my grip on the old stories and say 'this is how it is now, right now - these are my hopes and dreams and goals!', the more those dreams become my reality. All my life I've tried to be smart enough not to feel so painfully wrong in my skin. Now I choose to embrace the simplicity of taking one step at a time, embraced by people who really want me to succeed and care about me. I roared like a lion yesterday! Right in the face of those clamoring fears, and just stepped into the unknown. Today it feels like anything is possible.

Wings

Art is the cry of the soul from the core of one's being. Creating and appreciating art set free the joyous soul trapped deep within us. That is why art causes such joy. Art, quite aside from any question of skill or its lack, is the emotion, the pleasure of expressing one's life exactly as it is. Those who see such art are moved by its passion, its strength, its intensity and its beauty. That is why it is impossible to separate fully human life from art.
-Daisaku Ikeda

Prayer is the courage to persevere. It is the struggle to overcome our own weakness and lack of confidence in ourselves. It is the act of impressing in the very depths of our being the conviction that we can change the situation without fail.
-Daisaku Ikeda

Enough said!

Spring!

There was a power outage this morning. It was less than an hour, but long enough to remind me how utterly addicted to coffee I am. I actually considered trying to use a lighter to heat it. So sad. When I looked out the window (after locating said lighter and realizing candles were more appropriate than the coffee idea), I saw frost on the roofs of the buildings around mine. Yikes! FROST. Isn't it supposed to be spring? The whole power-out/frosty-California morning gave me that 'snow day' feeling and I could hear neighbors calling out to each other to see if their power was out too. It's a very informal neighborhood. It made for an altogether charming Monday morning and energized me for the errands and chores to come because...

I relaxed (ran, hid, escaped?) this weekend, and I'll spend the rest of the week making up for it. There is definitely something to be said for a workspace outside the home. Or a home big enough to contain a specific place for 'the work' to happen. There never seems to be a clean escape from my need to accomplish the next thing. So today is catch-up and move ahead. This is the week of pushing forward into the new and uncomfortable area of possible success! Learning things (website or bust)! Acting on my determination! (The exclamation points are my pep-talk.) I have a million reasons it would be better to wait. My caution lights are on yellow-alert, just waiting till I actually move forward, then they'll start that noisy red flashing thing. Do I care? GOD yes.... Will I let it stop me?

Touching Love

Two days in my head. Now that's what I call a l-o-n-g weekend. Last night during my movie/TV marathon of madness, I burst into tears for no apparent reason and determined to really 'give it some thought' tomorrow.

Well it's today, and thought has gone out the window with the blessing of finding home again. When I sat to chant, I decided first to put my confusion into words. Something I love about the Buddhism I practice is the principle of turning poison into medicine. That is exactly what happened this morning. I started talking out loud, just getting it out: the confusion, the endless interpretations of 'why' it's this way or that way, the beating myself up for being me. Finally empty, clear and ready, I raised my eyes to begin and just then the wind blew through the window, puffing the curtains, moving the branches in the tree outside and surrounding me. As I chanted, I began to feel transparent; present.

I have so much love in my heart. I am human. It doesn't matter if I screw it up, I'm not going to run out of love or hope. For me, it's trust... When all the thoughts are expressed and my mind maze is exhausted, my heart just burns with love and the desire to share. Suddenly 'I' disappear and all there is is love. It doesn't matter if the sharing is imperfect, or has unexpected outcomes I never dreamed of 'good' or 'bad'. It is enough to be and share. I wish I could convey that transparent feeling. The blue, sun-filled sky, the breeze touched with birdsong, the tree loving me. With my whole heart, I wish to share that with you.

Connection

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I heard revving engines and loud voices outside. Usually I take it as long as I can, then shut the window (loudly), put in the one earplug I can find, or lay there and fume until the noise stops, cussing under my breath.

This time I just listened. There was no anger in me, just connection to the people outside fighting to get their car back from the tow-truck that stalks our parking areas with inconsistent consistency. I fell asleep wishing them good luck.

This morning when I got ready to chant, I opened my window to let out the incense smoke and happened to see a car down there, engine running, two HUGE guys standing around waiting for something or someone. In this apartment complex you can hear everything, so I felt a little exposed doing my normal morning thing. I made my coffee, cleaned and straightened my altar area, and when I flicked my lighter to light the candles, they both looked up at my window to check it out. Of course I jumped back, then calmly continued my routine. As I sat to begin, I found myself feeling connected to these guys (I wish you could have seen them, seriously....), hoping they were still there because I was simply overflowing with desire for everyone to be blessed with joy and ease today. If you knew how fearful and grumpy I can be, you would know what a blessing this is.

Then the gardeners came... with the weed-whackers and the leaf-blowers and the outside volume increased SOOOOOOO much. And all I felt was connection to these guys working their butts off so they can keep on living. Today I am graced with the gift of experiencing the connection I'm sure is there all the time. My attitude is gentle, eyes and heart wide, hoping to see and be seen. There's nothing but love and curiosity in my heart. And a desire to give and share whatever I can with hope it will bring joy and connection to everyone and everything this day.

Resistance

My 'comfort zone' is much smaller than I think it is. I talk a good game, let me tell you. It's sincere because I am self-deceived. The putting-it-into-action part enlightens me. The moment I risked sharing my anger (confusion - feelings) in a public forum, the internal reaction was panic. No words yesterday... in fact, I spent the entire day hiding; obsessively avoiding my screaming ego trying to wrangle me back into its numb little corner of the world. I was even afraid to look at my email or comments (or answer my phone - sorry)!

The responsibility of my own life feels so heavy sometimes. That I get to choose, take action and experience the consequences scares me so badly that inaction seems the safest way. That's my comfort zone. Of course, my heart can't be contained that way - it just can't, won't, isn't. So I suffer between that rock-and-a-hard-place: bursting out with my heart and beating it back down with my ego. The fact that this seems like the experience of everyone I know is such a relief (thank you for sharing)!

I've become very productive the last few days... suddenly cleaning the bathroom, the bedroom, the entire house, cooking, grocery shopping and everything else I usually avoid is the focus of my energy and expertise. This is the precursor to realizing I'm not taking any steps outside my comfort zone. Until I remember I was going to s-t-r-e-t-c-h myself by creating a website to share and sell my art and take a chance, take a risk, put it all out there and see what happens... Oh yeah! My resistance is very, very efficient, creative, productive. It's like a super-virus that mutates every time I take a step forward to enclose me in a new variation on the illusion of my own well-being and safety. WHERE IS THE USER-MANUAL??? Sigh.

The real questions are: 'what have I got to lose?'; and 'what have I got to gain?' Besides, there's no other game in town, you know? So friends, old and new, thank you for hanging with me on this. Your comments and emails help me inch my way forward when I finally run out of mutations to entertain/imprison myself with. New day. New adventure. Again...!

The Will Beyond Mine

I'm reading a wonderful book (a miraculous gift from a friend) called, "Facing the Lion, Being the Lion" by Mark Nepo. This book is touching, thought provoking and experience-inspiring. I highly recommend it to anyone seeking truth, beauty, comfort and connection.

Anyhow, it's stirring the pot and poking tender places. There's a conflict in me about authority; a rebellion-instinct that feels like survival. Having grown up in a Christian-based society in a Roman-Catholic household (at least in the early days), I have my share of conflicted thoughts and feelings about religion. I'm a seeker with a tendency to give my heart to ideas that smack of 'rescue' especially if it's from OUTSIDE... you know, Jesus, God, all that 'original sin' stuff... No way out but to admit the indelible mark of SIN in and on me, and accept someone else's perfection to save me ('lord, I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed...'). Luckily the flame within me burns brighter than the confusion, contradiction and lack of logic these ideas create in my life.

For me, the problem is the laziness inherent in being trained to listen to and accept outside authorities, experts and supposed 'god-approved' go-betweens for my spiritual development instead of learning to trust the truth inherent inside my heart for guidance. I have those paths and experiences to thank for where I am now, though as you can probably tell, I am filled with as much judgement and condemnation as the religions I've been hurt by. The glowing flame of common truth in each path is often obscured by my anger that when someone has a powerful spiritual experience it has to be right for everyone - that particular way and no other. Why can't we just share our experiences and let it go at that? Encourage and accept each other gently instead of inwardly shaking our head and 'knowing' that person is condemned.

Because of my vulnerability toward trusting 'outside', I frequently forget there IS more to trust... wisdom to ask for and receive, comfort and guidance that is real, and comes in so many ways, ideas, people, experiences! I forget that while my mind creates a prison of fear and limitation, my heart holds the key to end that illusion. It's not in my grasp, it's in my heart. No thoughts. No words. Breathing; surrendering; accepting grace; remembering trust - that there is something outside any idea my mind can comprehend to trust... not separate from me, just somehow more if I allow myself to open, ask, listen and trust. What a relief.

A Larger Perspective

Having grown up in the Midwest, I often contemplate why the West Coast feels like home to me. I think it’s because the seasons within me are so extreme I need a milder climate to maintain my balance. To the extent that’s possible, anyway.

When I am in a longing way, I yearn for my family, for the wind in my face as I slide down the hill on an enormous bank of snow, for the embrace of my brothers and sisters and mother.

Living in California I am rootless. I’ve kept it that way. It’s like a desert of privacy with lush gardens of friendship just beyond my physical reach. When I’m feeling sorry for myself, I think about this Disneyland of madness that is California. For god’s sake, it’s completely man-made - literally a desert transformed into obsession with youth, fame, money, celebrity… Why did I choose such a place to call home? It feels like a mirror to me. I came here to create myself…. Make something or someone beautiful out of the dry, scorching emptiness I can believe I am sometimes.

Then I have to laugh because the mirror also reflects freedom, choices, acceptance of the incredible variety of lifestyles and beliefs people choose to live. And when I open more, I realize that this little patch of land is merely part of the surface of a planet whose core is magnetic, molten and pulsing with life. I remember that I am that too. All of us are. Pulsing with life that tastes like me. Pulsing with life that tastes like you. Not alone in a desert…. Alive and together creating the heartbeat of our lives.

Surrender

"...Surrender Dorothy..." Yup. Surrender is a concept I struggle with - it can mean so many things depending on which way the wind is blowing through those darn branches.

I seem to be hitting all the 'heavies' this week: Faith; Flexibility; Surrender. I was feeling all postive about surrender and just as I began typing, the first thing that entered my mind was 'surrender Dorothy' and I realized how in my gut surrender is nothing but weakness. The flow of life teaches me surrender through the breaking of my stubborness over and over. It would be nice to feel some kind of cumulative benefit instead of that slap-in-the-face, 'oh YEAH.... it's that surrender lesson again!'

And isn't it funny how it's appropriate sometimes and other times NO. This constant switching of circumstances is difficult for a person who enjoys the idea of at least partial control over their lives (accompanied by a disconcerting lack of self-trust). Appropriate. There's another concept I'm frequently at odds with. I tend to act first and find about about 'appropriate' later, through repetitive and often humiliating consequences. Sigh. What can I say...

It's a good day to paint, I think. Maybe just kind of work with my mouth shut and see what comes of it. I'm actually commissioned for a 6' x 4' canvas of (what else) a tree! I've been sweating over it and trying to 'make a connection' with it and now, well... now it's time to surrender and let it just come out of my heart and hands. Another adventure.

Flexibility

This morning I woke up with a bunch of things 'to do', felt myself grasping for control over each one and realized the lesson for me today is not balance, but flexibility. My strength is returning after the long, dark month of February and I want to rush in and LIVE. Take Charge and Accomplish. DO things. Fast and Completely. Make Progress. NOW.

I choose to say fortunately I'm still weak enough that overwhelm came quickly and I centered myself for contemplating this compulsion to rush when I chanted this morning. I'm being gentle with myself today. I'm going to trust my intentions and prayers to lead me to the next best step to take (be it laundry or website; painting or eating - or a little of all).

It seems like the best time for me to connect with the heart of my life and live from there is after I've suffered myself into an almost complete breakdown of emotion and mind. Yet look how quickly I'm trying to jump back into that hamster wheel - 'run, run, run - while you've got the motivation - do it now before it all comes tumbling down again!!'. So I think, 'BALANCE... That's what I need!'. And my heart whispers, 'hey there, sweetheart, did you ever think balance might just be control's way of hiding out and getting you to run in place til you drop?' There's a distinction here that I need to really get.

So I'm taking a few deep breaths and going slow. I'm going to remember flexibility today; not just feel the wind in my branches, let it MOVE my branches. Try not to cling to any idea as the solution. Maybe I make it all more complicated than it has to be. This variety of actions to take accompanied by the feeling it has to happen now or it never will is just another way to say I don't trust myself. So instead I'm going to bend and flow, and breathe.

Faith

This year I suffered from post-holiday depression I could barely fathom. It was bad, and lasted through the entire month of February. (Which had an extra day in it this year in case you hadn't noticed). I kept praying (Buddhist chanting in my case, though I don't like to label my spirituality), begging for relief, release, comfort - anything to change the way I was feeling, the circumstances of my life, etc. This led me to an examination of Faith. My faith initially, then just the nature of faith in general. I tend to be so emotionally driven that ideas and experiences based on not having to feel it for it to be true don't sink in very well.

While I haven't come up with any concrete answers about faith, my sense of it today is that it is a gift, like grace; a soft, glowing flame within that only comes clear to my suffering mind when it burns through all the pollution created by my ego. When I feel so terrible that all I can do is scrape my way through minute after minute, breath itself is faith expressed, whether I believe in anything or not. Whether I am feeling hope or despair, the very act of being alive is faith enough. It doesn't seem very comforting in words. In fact, the feeling that accompanies it is often rage, frustration or hopelessness. And in the moment I become sure that this is the new 'normal' so I'd better just get on with it, the hard shell I've constructed around my heart cracks a little - (how could that shell ever hope to contain the flame in my heart?) and I experience faith as indestructible, and myself as human.

Well, that's it for today. What an adventure, don't you think?

Well, it's a start...

This is a first for me. I meant to start a blog of some kind and today I got thrown in head-first at the request of a friend. I'm just going to leave it at this for now. I feel exposed and awkward - scared of making errors that will show I'm not quite as smart as I think I am. Hmmmm... am I afraid YOU'LL find out I'm stupid, or is it ME? I guess we'll see about that. It's a new day and I'm ready.