Finally, finally today I cried about my dad. You know how you can deny something and all the while it's right there, pressing in, giving you less space to move and breathe in all the time? Well...
I'm slowly, so slowly, learning to trust my own timing. I'm just so accomplishment oriented that to be in a state of near paralysis over something, anything (even the death of a loved one), is an open invitation for my ego to bash my self-esteem into some kind of forlorn, bitter submission. Forget it. Just forget it.
I realize (admit) I feel my dad everywhere. It's just that my mind can't comprehend it. I am grieving his passing, bombarded by images I push away before they can have impact. Feeling an overload of conflicting evidence. Mind, heart, spirit - all informed of different truths - all of them TRUTHS. So much to deal with, and I know it's not over, but thank God for this breakthrough.
In this moment, I can see that I was feeling this bigness of my dad with far more comprehension than I would allow because in my sad, needing mind, I was afraid if I really let that in and accepted it, he would go away. If I just didn't look or acknowledge these things, maybe he would stay longer, not leave me - offer more evidence, stay my dad. Oh I'm so afraid to let go. It's the re-realization that I am not in control of this. I'm not in control of this. I have no way to feel him or not feel him or make him stay or any of that. But to reject the gift of it is to reject all that is being given to me. Such gifts of love all the time. Such beautiful people I've met and experiences being offered for me to choose if I can just have the courage to accept them.
My time of timid bravery is over. Let me say here and now, I accept (no matter what evidence my ego so convincingly displays to the contrary) that I am good enough to receive all I hope for, that I am just what I need to be - even when I'm not painting, when I'm not writing, when I'm not grocery shopping. I accept that I am enough in every instance to become what my heart has set forth to be. There is purpose to my heart being here, and being exactly what and how I am - exactly me. I accept that my dad is here now, no matter what may happen next. I accept that he is FOR me - so for me. I surrender, and in letting go I am free once again.
