The Will Beyond Mine

I'm reading a wonderful book (a miraculous gift from a friend) called, "Facing the Lion, Being the Lion" by Mark Nepo. This book is touching, thought provoking and experience-inspiring. I highly recommend it to anyone seeking truth, beauty, comfort and connection.

Anyhow, it's stirring the pot and poking tender places. There's a conflict in me about authority; a rebellion-instinct that feels like survival. Having grown up in a Christian-based society in a Roman-Catholic household (at least in the early days), I have my share of conflicted thoughts and feelings about religion. I'm a seeker with a tendency to give my heart to ideas that smack of 'rescue' especially if it's from OUTSIDE... you know, Jesus, God, all that 'original sin' stuff... No way out but to admit the indelible mark of SIN in and on me, and accept someone else's perfection to save me ('lord, I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed...'). Luckily the flame within me burns brighter than the confusion, contradiction and lack of logic these ideas create in my life.

For me, the problem is the laziness inherent in being trained to listen to and accept outside authorities, experts and supposed 'god-approved' go-betweens for my spiritual development instead of learning to trust the truth inherent inside my heart for guidance. I have those paths and experiences to thank for where I am now, though as you can probably tell, I am filled with as much judgement and condemnation as the religions I've been hurt by. The glowing flame of common truth in each path is often obscured by my anger that when someone has a powerful spiritual experience it has to be right for everyone - that particular way and no other. Why can't we just share our experiences and let it go at that? Encourage and accept each other gently instead of inwardly shaking our head and 'knowing' that person is condemned.

Because of my vulnerability toward trusting 'outside', I frequently forget there IS more to trust... wisdom to ask for and receive, comfort and guidance that is real, and comes in so many ways, ideas, people, experiences! I forget that while my mind creates a prison of fear and limitation, my heart holds the key to end that illusion. It's not in my grasp, it's in my heart. No thoughts. No words. Breathing; surrendering; accepting grace; remembering trust - that there is something outside any idea my mind can comprehend to trust... not separate from me, just somehow more if I allow myself to open, ask, listen and trust. What a relief.