Two days in my head. Now that's what I call a l-o-n-g weekend. Last night during my movie/TV marathon of madness, I burst into tears for no apparent reason and determined to really 'give it some thought' tomorrow. Well it's today, and thought has gone out the window with the blessing of finding home again. When I sat to chant, I decided first to put my confusion into words. Something I love about the Buddhism I practice is the principle of turning poison into medicine. That is exactly what happened this morning. I started talking out loud, just getting it out: the confusion, the endless interpretations of 'why' it's this way or that way, the beating myself up for being me. Finally empty, clear and ready, I raised my eyes to begin and just then the wind blew through the window, puffing the curtains, moving the branches in the tree outside and surrounding me. As I chanted, I began to feel transparent; present.
I have so much love in my heart. I am human. It doesn't matter if I screw it up, I'm not going to run out of love or hope. For me, it's trust... When all the thoughts are expressed and my mind maze is exhausted, my heart just burns with love and the desire to share. Suddenly 'I' disappear and all there is is love. It doesn't matter if the sharing is imperfect, or has unexpected outcomes I never dreamed of 'good' or 'bad'. It is enough to be and share. I wish I could convey that transparent feeling. The blue, sun-filled sky, the breeze touched with birdsong, the tree loving me. With my whole heart, I wish to share that with you.
1 comment:
I was truly touched by today's post. I felt so frustrated and angry and what was happening "to me" that I forgot to center myself and accept who I am what is. Thank you for reminding me.
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