Resistance

My 'comfort zone' is much smaller than I think it is. I talk a good game, let me tell you. It's sincere because I am self-deceived. The putting-it-into-action part enlightens me. The moment I risked sharing my anger (confusion - feelings) in a public forum, the internal reaction was panic. No words yesterday... in fact, I spent the entire day hiding; obsessively avoiding my screaming ego trying to wrangle me back into its numb little corner of the world. I was even afraid to look at my email or comments (or answer my phone - sorry)!

The responsibility of my own life feels so heavy sometimes. That I get to choose, take action and experience the consequences scares me so badly that inaction seems the safest way. That's my comfort zone. Of course, my heart can't be contained that way - it just can't, won't, isn't. So I suffer between that rock-and-a-hard-place: bursting out with my heart and beating it back down with my ego. The fact that this seems like the experience of everyone I know is such a relief (thank you for sharing)!

I've become very productive the last few days... suddenly cleaning the bathroom, the bedroom, the entire house, cooking, grocery shopping and everything else I usually avoid is the focus of my energy and expertise. This is the precursor to realizing I'm not taking any steps outside my comfort zone. Until I remember I was going to s-t-r-e-t-c-h myself by creating a website to share and sell my art and take a chance, take a risk, put it all out there and see what happens... Oh yeah! My resistance is very, very efficient, creative, productive. It's like a super-virus that mutates every time I take a step forward to enclose me in a new variation on the illusion of my own well-being and safety. WHERE IS THE USER-MANUAL??? Sigh.

The real questions are: 'what have I got to lose?'; and 'what have I got to gain?' Besides, there's no other game in town, you know? So friends, old and new, thank you for hanging with me on this. Your comments and emails help me inch my way forward when I finally run out of mutations to entertain/imprison myself with. New day. New adventure. Again...!