Becoming...

My friend is suffering. Her sharing reminded me that self-acceptance is not something you do once and it's permanent, never to be thought of again. It's a daily choice to be cherished close to the warmth of the heart so it stays conscious and alive. I can only offer words from my heart and prayers for her comfort.

When I think of love, it's always moving, like wind or water or fire; alive and breathing. I like to accomplish things and it makes me brittle and hard. I break easily under the pressure of finishing tasks. I forget all the time that the key is remaining fluid, moving, alive... Some things don't get done at all, or they get done much later than I thought. If I can just allow that I am not a failure because of that, my process remains in motion and I bloom instead of freeze and break off into fragmented pieces of jobs half-done and harsh judgements that leave me scattered.

I can't become aware of my responsibilities until I let go of the judgements I weight myself with. My ego is constantly telling me how brilliant I am while simultaneously berating me for every tiny, less-than-perfect moment. All it wants is for me to become completely distracted with these exaggerated praises and punishments so I will forget to live from my heart; forget I am soft and human.

In Mark Nepo's book, "Facing the Lion, Being the Lion", he talks about how in the Torah, when God is asked for his name, the reply is, "I am Becoming...." When I read this, it brought me to tears. Part of me, the part that wants to FINISH things (and do it perfectly) - the part that, when closely examined leads toward death, was furious and frustrated that it was being asked to live with the fluid motion of life in a never-ending process of becoming. My heart, however, recognizes these words as an alive, joyful truth that allows me to share in the becoming of everything! That is a wide-open experience including all that is happy and sad, painful, joyful, 'mistakes', triumphs - and friendship within it all. I am honored to have such wonderful friends who are willing to share their times of turmoil and joy with me. Love & Peace.