Becoming...

My friend is suffering. Her sharing reminded me that self-acceptance is not something you do once and it's permanent, never to be thought of again. It's a daily choice to be cherished close to the warmth of the heart so it stays conscious and alive. I can only offer words from my heart and prayers for her comfort.

When I think of love, it's always moving, like wind or water or fire; alive and breathing. I like to accomplish things and it makes me brittle and hard. I break easily under the pressure of finishing tasks. I forget all the time that the key is remaining fluid, moving, alive... Some things don't get done at all, or they get done much later than I thought. If I can just allow that I am not a failure because of that, my process remains in motion and I bloom instead of freeze and break off into fragmented pieces of jobs half-done and harsh judgements that leave me scattered.

I can't become aware of my responsibilities until I let go of the judgements I weight myself with. My ego is constantly telling me how brilliant I am while simultaneously berating me for every tiny, less-than-perfect moment. All it wants is for me to become completely distracted with these exaggerated praises and punishments so I will forget to live from my heart; forget I am soft and human.

In Mark Nepo's book, "Facing the Lion, Being the Lion", he talks about how in the Torah, when God is asked for his name, the reply is, "I am Becoming...." When I read this, it brought me to tears. Part of me, the part that wants to FINISH things (and do it perfectly) - the part that, when closely examined leads toward death, was furious and frustrated that it was being asked to live with the fluid motion of life in a never-ending process of becoming. My heart, however, recognizes these words as an alive, joyful truth that allows me to share in the becoming of everything! That is a wide-open experience including all that is happy and sad, painful, joyful, 'mistakes', triumphs - and friendship within it all. I am honored to have such wonderful friends who are willing to share their times of turmoil and joy with me. Love & Peace.

Harmony

The last couple of mornings I've woken up feeling good. This is the time I usually let up on myself and coast for awhile. Since I'm determined to expand into new places, it's time to do something different; stay awake, push into territory beyond my comfort zone.

The old familiar pattern is feel good, let things slide until there's a pile-up or 'situation' to deal with, keep sliding until I'm in a hole again... numb because I forgot things are constantly changing and alive and growing, but I decided to hold on to feeling good instead of letting daily life impact me. It seems like so much WORK to stay fluid. Mind, mind, mind talking...

So I took a few deep breaths with my eyes closed, then opened them with the intention of being truly present to this moment now. There's this sort of stillness that happens when I pay attention. I can feel the vibration of the body within my body. It's an actual physical sensation, like a low-grade electrical contact that doesn't hurt, just awakens me. Now there are choices instead of a pile-up, and I can still feel. If I can just be still enough and listen so gently, like a humble invitation, my heart tunes itself to the pulse that connects everything. The quiet joy of singing my part in harmony is by far better than the spotlight-solo my ego tries to deafen me (and you) with. Wishing you peace and harmony this day.

Let's try that one again...

Today 'the painters' are coming to power-wash the building before painting the trim and I'm going to have to go out there and protect the little bird nest under the eaves by my window. They come back every year and I love the sound of those baby chirps. So do my cats - this is free entertainment at its best. Eventually the birds realize there's glass in between them and the awful monsters who obviously want to eat them. They hover in front of the window up and down a few inches, up and down - it's so sassy! - until one of my poor predator kitties, helpless to it's primal instincts, lunges and hits the window, falls off the sill and hits the floor, hopefully not knocking anything over on the way down. Again. And again. My son and I laugh at this elaborate ritual, amazed that the cats will do it over and over - including the whole preamble of stalking and silent movement toward something that is taunting them! You'd think they'd figure it out.

It's all too familiar though. A perfect demonstration of the way I tend to learn things myself. Sigh. I just finished a painting, actually hung it and took a photo, then wanted to just do 'one more thing' to make the glass more stable in the frame. Uh-huh. This is one of those things you'd think I'd have learned by now - how and when to STOP. No. Nope. Uh-uh. After oh-so-carefully adding some special glue into the crack and letting it dry... some of it seeped to the inside (I know this! I've done this before!!!) and now I must come up with a creative way to add half an inch of something to the outside of the frame to cover this up. I've got some great ideas that will add to the painting and it really needed a wider framed area, but GOSH... It was FINISHED!!! big sigh...

Maybe next time.

Knowing My Heart

When I was little, I felt so lost and confused. I loved to draw and color and one time, when I went to stay with my aunt and uncle, they praised me for what a good artist I was. I cherish that memory and know in that moment I recognized something in myself of value. Expression through visual art was effortless, fun, absorbing, wonderful. And I got approval for it.

Art has never left me and has sometimes saved me. It took a long time for me to know maybe it was something I should or could choose to share and make my life with. My heart is in it.

The two driving forces in my mind have been money and approval. The need to have enough money to survive and do something I will get approval for along with a predetermined attitude of defeat and failure on both counts, left me in a stagnant pond of settling for crumbs and thinking it's all I deserve. Not only that, a little approval was all it took to get me to stop moving forward. Like an addict, I would go from approval fix to approval fix feeling like a guilty failure the whole time. Knowing something was 'wrong' and having no idea how to feel clean and whole.

Slowly I've gotten to know and like myself! I've had and continue to have amazing help along the way (for the opportunity of a life-changing experience, check out soltura.net). I've learned living my heart out loud is the path for me. And now I'm finally pushing beyond the boundaries of my stagnant little pond to risk my heart, my art, myself - not for money, not for your approval and the temporary feeling of satisfaction it provides... simply to live and share my life with you, share the best of me with whatever part of the world I can touch. Yikes!

Shadow Clone

This morning while I was chanting, I got an image of myself behind myself - pushing the front one forward, holding it up like a puppet or clone. It struck me like a vivid dream that leaves a deep though ambiguous impression, and lingers...

I thought that shadow clone was protecting me - that my true self was the one behind, becoming strong while that puppet in front suffered the damage. When I turned to look in the mirror, I saw that the puppet being sacrificed is me.

I made a vow last year around this time that continues to change my life. Because of it I am able to share my heart for better or worse, without apology. Every day I feel gratitude for this life, even though that old saying, "Be careful what you wish for, you might get it" holds true in a sense. To desire and pray for peace, love, acceptance, unity... that is easy and 'noble'. When the realization comes that I must become peace, love, acceptance and unity, the path becomes much more personal and challenging. There's no turning back here. Every time I embrace all of myself in that mirror instead of being split and sacrificed, I am living in the fulfillment of my desire. In those moments, I can look into your eyes and truly see my brother, my sister, my father and mother, my child, my friend, my self.

Loosening My Grip

My mind likes to play tricks on me. Sometimes I buy in, but lately I've chosen to grit my teeth and step forward whether I like it or not. And the reward is?..... Integration; another piece of me gets to enjoy the light.

To choose over mind feels so dangerous and is, in fact, simple. To get in the car and go somewhere new feels hard and is, in fact, simple. To look into the eyes of yet another someone new and say the truth while allowing the emotions to connect and be expressed feels impossible and happened to me today. I chose to step back from the complications of my duplicitous mind and speak from my heart. I chose to believe in the truth of me without second-guessing or expecting the worst outcome; to share what's real without thoughts of what I will win or lose or endanger.

I drove home feeling calm and quiet, experiencing love for myself and knowing that my heart has grown so large and free that those boundaries my mind was so furiously convincing me not to step over became first obscured and then invisible. Every time this cycle repeats and I choose to step through those clamoring fears into the unknown, my heart burns more brightly and freely. The more I loosen my grip on the old stories and say 'this is how it is now, right now - these are my hopes and dreams and goals!', the more those dreams become my reality. All my life I've tried to be smart enough not to feel so painfully wrong in my skin. Now I choose to embrace the simplicity of taking one step at a time, embraced by people who really want me to succeed and care about me. I roared like a lion yesterday! Right in the face of those clamoring fears, and just stepped into the unknown. Today it feels like anything is possible.

Wings

Art is the cry of the soul from the core of one's being. Creating and appreciating art set free the joyous soul trapped deep within us. That is why art causes such joy. Art, quite aside from any question of skill or its lack, is the emotion, the pleasure of expressing one's life exactly as it is. Those who see such art are moved by its passion, its strength, its intensity and its beauty. That is why it is impossible to separate fully human life from art.
-Daisaku Ikeda

Prayer is the courage to persevere. It is the struggle to overcome our own weakness and lack of confidence in ourselves. It is the act of impressing in the very depths of our being the conviction that we can change the situation without fail.
-Daisaku Ikeda

Enough said!