The Cocoon is Breaking

I don't know what this means. I've surrendered to a force beyond my range of vision. It whispers, "keep reaching...keep reaching..." in a voice I can only feel, not hear. With no promise that motivation, inspiration, vision, dreams or clarity will ever return - ever... I keep reaching. The voice is all I'm interested in now. No willful ripping or trying will show me the way - no determination of mind, no polished skill or feather of cobalt will blaze a path. Just vibration that hints the direction of my hand. My hand outstretched in a posture both giving and receiving somehow.

I stand and listen and reach.

Starting Over (Again)

Does anyone else find coming out of sickness a depressing, difficult experience? It seems like it should be just the opposite, but for me - no. Suddenly I remember all the things I forgot to do, or need to do; it's catch-up and oops! and oh my gosh I need to get to the store NOW.

I've let all the tools of my stability fall by the wayside for a couple of days (at least) and the price is a truly uncomfortable feeling of having fallen off some wagon I didn't even know I was on. Darn it. I guess that's why it's called 'recovery'.

In any case, it definitely feels like a Monday. If I can get through the post-illness feeling of imminent destruction that falling behind gives me, things should be right-side-up in a few days.

Happy Monday, everyone!

On The Mend

Today I felt well enough to take my morning coffee out on the landing and sit for awhile in the sun. The longer I sat, the more I saw. Bees in the bushes, hummingbirds tasting the flowers, a flash of purple here, yellow there. An orange butterfly resting on a rock, slowly waiving it's wings. A squirrel peeking out from the bushes to see if the ducks we feed ('Mesa' and 'Verde') were going to eat their snacks or if he could beat them to it.

And I got to breathe with them. I got to feel the pulse of life that unites everything. I'm so grateful to be alive. All the things... all these things that exist together to sing their joy of being.

Sometimes it's all a mess to me; a confusion I can't figure out. All the things... these beautiful gifts of grace sent like butterfly kisses on the soft breeze. Never to impose, hoping but not needing, to be felt. Always there to catch my heart when my mind has finally surrendered it's pointless distracted interference and can harmonize itself with the endless song of being. Does anyone love being human?

All the things... all these lovely, heartbreaking things.

Congratulations Couples!

Ode To Love

How fickle, love....

My love

As fickle as my heart loves itself

My beloved,

I look upon the mirror of you

and see projected, reflected,

My lover, my friend one moment

A cheap betrayer the next

The object of most poisonous

Rage and intolerance yet the next

They are all reflections of my own

fickle heart...

And when my heart has offered

Itself to the fire enough times,

When Truth becomes the mantra,

The being, the beating, the breath

I see you as you are

And I love you again

Well, another wonderful Soltura workshop has been completed (http://www.soltura.net/) by some courageous couples! Congratulations to all of you. I hope the experience was one of connection and growth that welcomes you to the next adventure in your lives together.

Spring Sickness

Every year I get sick after the whole 'flu-season' is over, and every year it happens just when I really believe I've gotten off free and get cocky about how healthy I am. Big sigh... through my mouth since my nose is to stuffy to breathe through. Blah.

It's almost over though, this illness. I'm babying myself along till I feel human again.

Wishing you health, happiness and whole-hearted heartiness! (creativity is running low - maybe I'm blowing it all out my nose... bluck.)

Privacy

I used to be obssessed with privacy. I hated anyone to know anything I didn't want them to. Then I had my privacy violated - with and without my knowledge in a plethora of ways that left me utterly confused, lost and in despair. I lost my faith in human beings - shocked that anyone would or could do the things that were done to me - that someone would actually choose on purpose to do those things to another living soul.

Over a long, long period of time I began to see and understand how that desperate quest for privacy was, in part, an effort to deny things I've done in my own life that I felt ashamed of. Because of my inability to accept myself, I practically opened the door to some truly horrible experiences and invited them right in. I share these things not with a feeling of bitterness or victimization, but in order to give voice to what I've learned in this long, sometimes painful journey that is not over yet.

I offer this in a spirit of fearlessness and peace because in my heart, there is nothing but compassion for myself and all of us on this journey through our lives. I still have fear about sharing myself, about moving forward, about trusting. The difference is now I know what is in my heart, who I am, that 'me' is someone I can trust.

If you are suffering in the darkness of confusion, pain, loss, fear... please know that my prayers are with you every day. From the depths of suffering endured in my own life, I know and am committed to the offering that no one should ever feel they are there alone.

Evolution

For awhile all my paintings were three or four put together. It's kind of amazing (in hindsight of course), how clearly that style represented the state of my life.

Over time it's evolving into one picture per canvas or paper. It hasn't been a conscious evolvution, just a reflection of the wholeness in my heart.

Mind is so powerful and heart so strong - they are often at odds with each other. The need my heart feels to express, touch and connect is sometimes smothered by the boxes my mind tries to (pointlessly) contain me in. My heart will not be defeated and slowly I'm learning to trust it to light the next step on the path, regardless of seemingly endless obstacles.

To share this journey has required a suspension of judgements; stopping the 'not good enough' thoughts, and that terrible derisive scorn aimed at expressions of me. Slowly I'm realizing my ego does not have to win every battle; that's not the foregone conclusion anymore. In that kind of light, the beauty of your heart and mine can blossom. Maybe what is offered is rough and jagged... sometimes painful and stumbling. Sometimes our hearts are so long unexpressed that its' song comes out clumsy, contrary, wrong! The point is that unless that risk is taken, we will never touch each other.

Sound of Creation

Sing the song of your creation

bright of heart, bright of mind

look into the changing mirror

cherish light and love divine

When you hear the gentle whisper

of your heart, it's song sublime

you will know that we are one

my hand in yours and yours in mine

Commitment

I used to be really confused about what commitment was and so became phobic about it. Once I learned that for me it is to know and honor my heart and keep choosing to live that, commitment became a lot less scary. Even though that sounds like a small job, it requires everything every day.

When I forget and grow numb again, my life becomes chaotic. To remember, I look to the details of my living to give me the meaning I need to go on. The sum of the details shows me what I am in fact committed to and make choices and decisions from there. Sometimes the fear of failure or the sudden certainty I'm accomplishing nothing and hurting other lives in the process comes over me and it's hard to find my way home again.

In the simplicity of being me, I realize that's the whole job and the path becomes visible once more. Today when I complained about feeling like I'm swimming against the tide, my son said, "do what you have to do, then go with the flow." Out of these words of wisdom I realized I'm kind of lagging on the "do what you have to do" part. Big sigh. It's my responsibilitly to make my life happen, and when things don't go as I think they should, it's time to get down to the very details, become present and know that when I trust my heart life is as it should be.

I'm committed to that.

No Bed Of Roses

In the style of Gustav Klimt

painted 10/07

Let the art speak.

Light

One of my major battles is overcoming my negativity. It's been such a habit and a home (prison more like), that escape seemed a dream and failure a guaranteed outcome. Sometimes I forget to allow that progress is being made! It's easy to complain about other people not seeing who I am today versus who they knew in the past... Often I need to include myself in that group.

Today during my morning meditation, I realized I was actually struggling toward negativity, thinking 'victim', feeling powerless and defeated, like nothing would ever change. This old, worn-out trick was exposed in the light of the sun rising in my heart and could not be taken seriously anymore. It's over. That darkness is gone unless I pursue it with all my strength and who would be fool enough to keep choosing that? Not me.

This is not a forced victory gained by angrily defeating an enemy. More a dawning of gentle acceptance and knowing there are choices to be made; with no guaranteed outcome! To live in that uncertainty is to be truly alive. I'm willing to be wrong and accept the inevitable humbling that comes with it in order to shed another layer of that old, dead skin and live the truth within.

The Path I Fear To Tread

You know that saying about being your own worst enemy? Well, I'm sick of that being such an obvious force of operation in my life. For every step forward, up comes a defensive block out of the darkness to make me scratch my head in wonder again. Who needs external obstacles when my own internal ones work so well...

When opportunity opens, I hem, haw, go numb, become preoccupied with other things to do, isolate, let fear of what 'could' happen overrun even the smallest acceptance of the good fortune I am working so hard to create for myself and my family. It's so easy to sweep those opportunities under the rug or out the door. Sometimes it's returning a phone call - that's all it would take to bring the opportunity of selling a painting, having a new experience of friendship, going somewhere for enjoyment (imagine that!).

I know that I must take action - open the door - do what I say - claim what is being offered! How can I possibly hope to live the life I am creating when by one means or another I reject the rewards of that work?! Every time the cycle of accepting the outcome (whatever it may be) of working hard comes around, I backpeddle. For a long time there was outright rejection and no consciousness of it. Now I'm seeing it and ready to step beyond frustration and confusion to whatever is next. Perhaps that sounds simple. Maybe it even is simple...

All I know is that I feel fear, fear, fear at the prospect of moving out of my comfort zone of scarcity and struggle into the light of...... And there you have it. The unknown. All I have to do is let go, then take the simple actions and steps that will show me the next landscape of my creation. Today I dedicate myself to this path (again).

Being Patient

Just a suggestion... NEVER pray to be patient. I don't know if anyone else has had this wonderful experience of praying for something then getting opportunity after opportunity to practice it. Yeah - it seems like a good idea at the time (what with patience being such a virtue and all), but let me tell you - the universe operates by some pretty specific laws and those cliches (for example, 'be careful what you wish for'....) are cliches for a reason. I figure I'm a lot safer to pray for wisdom to deal with all that wonderful money that's mysteriously headed my way in the future! hee hee...

We're headed for the end of spring-break over here, and eeking out as much laughter and sleeping-in as possible before we begin that last long-haul till the end of the school year. The weather is perfect, the baby birds are chirruping away in their nest under the eaves, the squirrels are actually barking in the trees while they whip their tails around to attract other squirrels... they also dig in my plants and I have to restrain myself from sicking the cats on them when they come sneaking up to my patio. They are so bold! It's been a great week.

On the other hand, I have nothing but sympathy for the rest of my family, suffering in the APRIL SNOWFALL as winter hangs on for yet another day? week? month? Surely not. I wish I could get them out here to visit me. Sometimes you just need a hug from your mom - or maybe she needs one from you. In any case, midwesterners, be patient! Spring is coming and will be all the sweeter for the slow death of that wicked, winter witch. Sending sunshine and gentle wind your way!

Working...

I'm working on taking photos of the smaller paintings I've done. I'm preparing for the website and it seems like obstacle after obstacle.

The last few days have been tedious as photography is something I'm painfully inept at. Please forgive the: crookedness, stupid flash bulb reflection I can't seem to turn off.... You get the idea.

These are paintings I do when I'm waiting for the next big labor of love to break through. They are little exercises, like yoga in the morning. They are about 10.25" x 10.25" framed and ready to hang. Every bit of it is hand-made except the glass, of course. I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark a bit here, but why not?

Not bad for morning yoga anyway...

The website is a way off, I fear. I've realized it's going to take more preparation to create something that is sustaining and professional. There are areas I have no knowledge or training in and it takes more than a few paintings and a handful of ideas to get a business up and running. Working on that too... In the meantime, I'm offering what's available and moving forward as best I can.

Well, that's the extent of the smaller paintings for now. I've got another one on the table, in process of being painted. I really enjoy the almost instant gratification of these little ones. When my mind is full of 'to-do' lists and panic about this or that and I'm certain the desire and ability to create any kind of art has left me forever, I just get to work on one of these little ones and they lead me back to my heart.

That's it for today. Back to photographing the final pieces I haven't done yet and moving forward. I'm about ready to get that brush back in my hand. I have nothing but admiration for artists with a camera. In fact, anyone who wants to see some gorgeous, funny, intelligent (not to mention award-winning!) unique art with a camera should check out http://lostartphotos.com/.

Wishing you peace and joy this day!

The Unseen

What little joy I see in myself

or all that surrounds me

Only smooth, round stones

laid across the desert

interesting, passionless, dry and intelligent

kingdoms quiver in the air, like heat

to be plucked by the choosers hand, and now I do not

hesitate, but walk down this lane and that,

plucking as though master of this orchard

testing the fruit of many trees

and master I am - yet where is joy?

Perhaps joy has many faces

and this is a time of sure

movement and weighted delivery

perhaps joy is grave today

a companion in armor who guards the path

that I may look in

one direction

-mjp

Thank God For Sisters!

When I get stuck and lose perspective, I call my sisters and they share their lives with me, listen to me talk and vent, tell me the honest truth (even in the face of my denial - now that's brave!), and tell me how much they love me.

Priceless.

My sisters are beautiful, silly and sassy, mothers, friends, women of culture and intelligence, emotional basket cases and as wise as the earth. Thank you so much for sharing yourselves with me. And listening. All my love!

Ready For Spring Break

Just as my son was about to go to bed last night we 'discovered' a math project that was due today, of course, and no evidence of it in sight. He was up till 10:30 p.m. working on it. And again this morning... Up at 5:50 a.m., at school at 7:00 a.m. to pick up the parts he 'forgot', raced back home where I 'helped' a bit (printed out a table of contents) while he frantically cut, pasted and decorated his way to a completed geometry project (worth 250 points!). He made it to school five minutes late, but thankfully his project won't be. Whew!

I couldn't stop lecturing the whole time, of course. Thankfully this is the last day of school before spring break. An entire week off to relax (?) and enjoy ourselves. What a way to kick it off! By the time I got home this morning, with glue and black sharpie on my hands, hair still uncombed and morning chores yet to be done, all I wanted to do was shrink enough to join the buddha in my cactus bowl outside. Doesn't that look peaceful?? Aaahhhh.... This is my idea of a plant, by the way; low maintenance, variety of color and pretty (the most important part of course!).

Here's to a peaceful and productive spring break.

Step 2...

So this painting is the super-quick preparation sketch for the large tree-painting I'm working on. Forgive the photography - I can not seem to figure out how to take a proper photo. The flash goes off when I don't want it to and drowns out the detail, which happened here. Anyhow - I decided to frame the quick-painting to see how it would look and it came out nicely, I think! The 6' x 4' will be the same view but in proper proportion, with the entire tree and more scenery showing, more detail, texture, etc.

This is the famous 'Witch Tree' located in Minnesota and the painting I was commissioned to do oh-so-long ago... Thank you for your patience. I'm working on it. It took a long time to find the proper photo to work from... I tried different versions and they were such a struggle. I couldn't live with the outcome(s). This one seems to be working well so far. Of course the finished version will be much more exciting than this preliminary exercise. I'm really excited to see it.

Happy Day of Rest

Yesterday I volunteered at my son's school to help with the spring photos. Wow. It was a long day; 8:30 till 3:45. I was amazed at the differences between the kids in 6th grade and those in 8th, behavior, height, etc. All of them look so grown up to me. I don't remember - uh - 'needing a bra' until like, freshman year in high school and even then it was more like a hope-for-the-future double-A than something I actually needed. Most of the girls including the 6th graders are well in advance of that I can tell you. Jeez. This is definitely a sign that I'm getting old. At least my child wasn't embarrassed to see me there - he still likes it. I think it's partly because he's a boy and partly because I'm such a spazz the kids can kind of relate to me. Of course my 'nice mom' voice disappeared a few hours in and one of the other volunteers told me I missed my calling - I should have been a prison warden. hee hee hee....

So today I just ran errands and am venturing into potting my first 'flowering' plants ever. I am not a plant person - in the past they've all died on me, but I've managed to keep a rather large group of succulents and a cactus bowl alive for a couple of years now (yes, I know - they only need water once a month and can live in almost any light), but hey - they're alive and they look pretty. Now that spring is really getting underway, I'm inspired to try a bigger project and got some yellow lilies and red flowers of some kind (no idea what they are) that require the same conditions as the lilies. Tomorrow is the big planting day - I'm so excited!

Happy Spring!

The Lie of Survival

There's a poem I remember from when I was little that says: "In the mirror I can see lots of things, but mostly me." Every once in a while it repeats in my head and I wonder why it's stuck with me so firmly.

Over the last few days I've been conflicted about a situation in my environment. One of my friends has continually lied, given false, misleading or exaggerated information and used manipulation to get what she feels she needs. As usual, when someone else is behaving like that, it's as transparent to everyone as if it was a child trying to deny eating the brownies with the evidence all over her face.

I care for this woman and her family and after months of cycling through feeling used, angry at being deceived (again) knowing I will never get the 'real' story and honestly not knowing what to do or how to help, pieces of a bigger picture are finally emerging.

I recognize this behavior as if it was my own because I have behaved this way before in my life. The internalization of 'the truth is always better' was a long, slow, painful road for me - one I'm still learning from and choosing to live every day. In an attempt to save the friendship, I kept questioning, 'why does she do it?' This is a lovely, sensitive woman who is full of faith and feels God is her only source of trust and comfort. So why? The answer was obvious - she feels it's necessary to survive.

I remember that desperation. That complete lack of faith in people, the world and my own ability to take care of myself. When I put my own survival first, when I felt I was on the brink of destruction with no security, I acted like she did. I never offered anything to anyone without an eye toward possible future gain for myself. I could never see people as 'people'; they were only a way for me to get through the next day, the next week, the next month - what could they give me? My whole life was a desperate plea to get my needs met somehow without taking on that responsibility for myself. And I lied to myself about it all so I wouldn't have to see that chocolate on my cheeks.

That is the lie of survival. The lie my ego got away with for so long... the lie that can make beautiful, sensitive people full of light and compassion become frightened, addicted liars and manipulators. The truth is, we are not here to 'survive'. Our survival is not in question. Ever. It's not the point, it's not even a baseline to live from. We are here to shine no matter what. No matter the circumstances. I've looked at my empty cupboards, stack of bills and broken car and been terrified about how it's all going to work. I've spent months and years focusing on the seemingly insurmountable challenges and done many things to get to the next place I could take a breath. And the situation remained the same.

Somehow, by some grace, I've chosen to move my heart from survival to telling, living, breathing, being the truth, my truth, no matter what, and guess what? I'm still here. My eyes are now on my family, friends and neighbors as I offer what comes from my heart - pretty or ugly - and believe me, it's all there. It's all I can do - all anyone can do, maybe. Be authentic, say what's true in any moment, trust like your survival is guaranteed (because it is), and see what happens next.

I'm hoping I can be a better friend now, having looked in the mirror of her, finding myself, and choosing to love both of us better.